a little progress

I am currently slurping chocolate pudding through a big green bubble tea straw. This after two bowls of soup that my good friend Whitney made and brought over to me. Pretty standard evening, really.

I am 1/3 of the way through this wire business. That may seem like a lot, but to me it's less than half. I can't even think about more than 2 or 3 days of the future at a time, or I become agitated. A co-worker asked me if I was used to have my mouth wired shut yet. Used to it? I have been able to open my mouth for 26.75 years. I think it would probably take me another 26.75 years to become comfortable with not being able to open it.

I have turned a corner though, in my dealing/grieving. Prior to Tuesday, I was crying every night. Usually multiple times an evening. When I was alone, I would just cry. I've been so stressed out about not having $12,000 in the bank with the label "Emergency Face Smashing Fund" on it. I am a very fastidious money keeper and going this deep into debt for something that I don't even want and can't re-sell seems unbearable. Aren't people my age spending $12,000 on houses right now? This on top of the fact that my teeth all feel like they will pop out under the pressure of this metal nest around them, at any second. I am always hungry and in pain, which alone is a good reason to cry.

I told Melissa that I was crying every night. She diagnosed that I was overwhelmed because I had no plan. I was at a complete loss about how I would deal with all this $$$ and too distraught to know it. She motivated me to drop a line to my friend Alexander who has knowledge and connections in the dental business. He did a little research about how much procedures should cost and what was worth paying more for. Having someone advocate for you when you are shattered is so incredibly helpful and essential. Then my sister-in-law said offhand that I shouldn't worry, God will provide. Normally when I am upset and not ready to hear it, these types of simple truths that expose my own inadequacy and childishness make me get more ridiculous and childish. I am too stubborn and have a bad temper. I guess I was ready to hear it though, because for the first time in two weeks I really remembered that I can trust my God who is always faithful to me. Duh.

I still have no real plan about what I am going to do about the $12,000. Or who my dentist should be. I have no idea how my $2,000 can become $12,000 in a manner of barley loaves and fishes. Perhaps it will though. Perhaps it won't. I just feel more calm and patient. And that is good enough for today, and the next 2 days. Can't think about any more days than that.