Time just moves right along. Things are happening, summer is starting, yet I still can't eat. This has to be the longest 6 weeks on record. I have been participating. My aunt and uncle took me to the Mariner's game, my friend Jaime came to stay at my house for a couple days and I have taken my blind friend to the store a couple more times. I just can't believe that I have so much longer with these wires! So much longer with the blend-a-thon! Waiting for eating, talking and surfing!
Alas, no amount of self pity or public loathing can speed up the 24 hour days that I must endure until my jaw is healed. I do enjoying being out, visiting friends and being social. Really though, I have been growing to love time by myself lately. When I am alone, it is normal to not talk. There are no conversations that I cannot contribute to, no meals I cannot partake in, and no sports I cannot play. I can dance alone, hum my favorite songs, drink boring food and watch movies without wanting to make any comments about anything. People can't not hear me at a bar because I am not at one and am not saying anything.
I find solace in my garden quite a bit as well. The garden doesn't expect much of me. I can pull weeds, transplant starts and water for hours without thinking about my face. I have put a lot into this garden. When we moved in, there was a thick layer of gravel and compacted soil. There was nothing. We raked, dug and screened. We added soil, made a paths and planted seeds. Look at it now! It is my most dramatic and successful garden yet. All those pavers were buried in the ground under inches of bad soil. We just kept running into layer upon layer of stone with the pick. It was a pain to dig up, but really it was God providing for our path. It's quite nice, wouldn't you say? And free.
I have just shy of 3 weeks left until I get my jaw returned. Then come the teeth. To help me be patient and feel the progress, I have made a paper chain and stapled it to the wall. Everyday, I tear a link off. This method has worked well for me in the past while anticipating vacations or quitting my job. I have always been more focused on the small victories in life rather than the large. I guess it's time to go tear off a link before bed!
This morning on my way to the bus a certain white minivan owner heaped insult upon injury to an already overslept in day. I was clipping along to make the bus (a half hour after my regular bus) wearing some clicky shoes and a skirt. I crested the hill and saw a couple of flannel-shirt-wearing, scary ladies letting their dogs scramble and fight on 30 ft leashes, one tied to the white minivan. They seemed quite pleased at the joy their dogs were experiencing "playing" in the middle of the sidewalk. I slowed and waited for the ladies to reign in the beasts, hand over hand. When they seemed to have control of their creatures, I hurried by in my storm-cloud like manner. I mustered a tight lipped smile, but didn't say Hi or thanks or anything, not being in a chatty mood and still not loving dogs.
I thought I had made it by, however, the bigger flannel lady let go of her little scrappy dog too early. The foul mouthed beast ran growling up behind me, bit the back of my knee, latched onto the back of my skirt and hung there while clawing at my legs. The scary lady pulled him off of me and I turned around and gave her a look that was supposed to communicate my absolute exhaustion with the morning and disgust for her and her little dog. In a manner quite like Gandhi, I didn't say a word and just walked on, intent on catching my bus and forgetting that this had ever happened. Just then, the scary lady yelled after me, "You know she tried to say Hi to you before and you ignored her!"
I straightened, stopped and took a deep breath. Steam began to pour from my ears and hundreds of mean things flew through my mind. I wanted to run and kick that stupid dog in the face. Maybe break her little snout so she could drink her dog food. I turned around, threw up my arms and yelled, "I can't believe that you are even allowed to inhabit the same planet as me!"
Okay, maybe I didn't say anything but instead decided to maintain my spirit of non-violence and just walk on to the bus stop. I was shaking with anger as I boarded the bus, still confused how anyone could even think fast enough to turn such a massive party foul around to blame the innocent victim. I really can't believe that she is allowed to share the good planet Earth with us. And this is not helping the case for dogs as pets, in my mind.
Thank goodness it was a sturdy denim skirt and not a drape-y, elastic-waisted one... Anyway, here is a picture from a hike this past Saturday with friends Melissa, Jeff and Mike. Lake Serene, a hike I did with my friend Tyson two years ago.
I am currently slurping chocolate pudding through a big green bubble tea straw. This after two bowls of soup that my good friend Whitney made and brought over to me. Pretty standard evening, really.
I am 1/3 of the way through this wire business. That may seem like a lot, but to me it's less than half. I can't even think about more than 2 or 3 days of the future at a time, or I become agitated. A co-worker asked me if I was used to have my mouth wired shut yet. Used to it? I have been able to open my mouth for 26.75 years. I think it would probably take me another 26.75 years to become comfortable with not being able to open it.
I have turned a corner though, in my dealing/grieving. Prior to Tuesday, I was crying every night. Usually multiple times an evening. When I was alone, I would just cry. I've been so stressed out about not having $12,000 in the bank with the label "Emergency Face Smashing Fund" on it. I am a very fastidious money keeper and going this deep into debt for something that I don't even want and can't re-sell seems unbearable. Aren't people my age spending $12,000 on houses right now? This on top of the fact that my teeth all feel like they will pop out under the pressure of this metal nest around them, at any second. I am always hungry and in pain, which alone is a good reason to cry.
I told Melissa that I was crying every night. She diagnosed that I was overwhelmed because I had no plan. I was at a complete loss about how I would deal with all this $$$ and too distraught to know it. She motivated me to drop a line to my friend Alexander who has knowledge and connections in the dental business. He did a little research about how much procedures should cost and what was worth paying more for. Having someone advocate for you when you are shattered is so incredibly helpful and essential. Then my sister-in-law said offhand that I shouldn't worry, God will provide. Normally when I am upset and not ready to hear it, these types of simple truths that expose my own inadequacy and childishness make me get more ridiculous and childish. I am too stubborn and have a bad temper. I guess I was ready to hear it though, because for the first time in two weeks I really remembered that I can trust my God who is always faithful to me. Duh.
I still have no real plan about what I am going to do about the $12,000. Or who my dentist should be. I have no idea how my $2,000 can become $12,000 in a manner of barley loaves and fishes. Perhaps it will though. Perhaps it won't. I just feel more calm and patient. And that is good enough for today, and the next 2 days. Can't think about any more days than that.
Happy Birthdy Stephen!!! My biggest brother is 33 today. We have celebrated with some Thai food and cake and ice cream (I blended up some yellow curry with tofu). We also gave Stephen money for his birthday. It was conditional however. We are going to go with him shopping for furniture or paint or whatever he wants the most, because he just bought a house! A whole house. I'm very proud of him. That's him in his new house.
You may not know it already, but Stephen is the most dependable person on the planet Earth. I trust his word more than my own. He is tried and true and will help just about anyone (unless they were mean to someone else he is already helping). He really goes the extra mile.
He is also the funniest man in the family. We are all quite funny with each other, but Stephen drops humor in such heavy and quick doses that you feel like you have been firebombed with laughter. The things he comes up with have us gasping and holding our bellies. If you haven't been lucky enough to experience it, I am sorry. Too bad. It's one of life's true pleasures.
Thanks for being so great, Stephen! Love you lots!!
I have been re-learning how to eat without my jaw and teeth. I suppose I knew how to do this when I was about 9 months old, but that was a long time ago and my mom was right there to help me. The other day I put some ricotta cheese in tomato soup, blended that, and felt pretty good about it. Friday I went out to happy hour, drank beer through a straw and had the humbling experience of drinking soup through a straw in public. It would have been okay, but the cheese they put in it got all stuck in my teeth and I really struggled through it.
Until yesterday I had had one real food experience with blended lasagne that was too thick and quite discouraging to consume. Yesterday my sister and I tried again with some peanut sauce stir-fry as I am already tiring of milkshakes, yogurt smoothies, soup and Ensure. This is what it looked like before:
This is what it looked like after we blended it:
It looked gross, it's true. But it tasted great! I was so happy to taste something normal. I got it down in about a half hour and felt much more positive about my future 5 weeks.
I am actually feeling a lot better. I am practically off pain medicine and my lip is healing up pretty well. All the scabs are gone from my hands and I have regained feeling in the top of my thumb. Hopefully I will regain the feeling in middle of my lower lip someday. Here's a self-portrait from the other day.
It's easy to be self-centered when your body is broken. In an effort to stop worrying about my own trauma and drama for a couple of hours, I made an appointment to have my first volunteering time with a woman who is blind. I have always had some sort of compassion well up in my heart when I see blind people out in the world, doing their thing in the face of such an adverse disability. I finally got up the momentum to call up Community Services for the Blind and Partially Sighted and ask if they took volunteers. They paired me with a lady in my neighborhood that recently moved to the area. She was 67, totally blind and needed help with bills and shopping and that sort of thing.
I was a little nervous meeting her for the first time, having never hung out with a blind person before. I didn't really know how to lead her or how we would exactly go about things. We decided that she needed to go to the grocery store most, so I picked her up at her apartment building (which was a HUD subsidized building that smelled like cats and nicotine) and we went to QFC. I was immediately taken with her. She is about 5' tall, has a tiny voice and cracks jokes non-stop. She went blind from Glaucoma 8 years ago. We went around the store, me pushing the cart and her holding onto the same handle and following it. I looked at her list, found where things were and read off all of the brands and prices and varieties. Sometimes she wanted to feel how big or heavy something was.
All in all, it went pretty well. I was quite tired of talking by the end of it, but we had gotten her lots of things to eat and had a nice time doing it. I took her home, helped carry the groceries up and that was it. Next week I am going to help her do some more unpacking and set up her stereo. Her apartment was really quite disgusting, so there may be a little chance to clean up and help get her organized. I can't imagine what a difficult time she must be having in a new city with no one to help her. Luckily she has a good sense of humor and strength about life. I think we will get along just fine.
It's day 6 of 42. Having your jaw wired shut is the most uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced. This is worse than stumbling around Mycean ruins with the shingles virus attacking my spine. Way worse than the other time I almost knocked out my front teeth. It's even worse than braces x 10. Let me tell you how it is so that my whining may be justified.
1. It's just plain creepy not being able to open your mouth. I feel so oppressed. I was very fearful at first thinking that I was going to choke to death on my own vomit. I thought I might have a panic attack or something. Luckily, the doctor gave me some emergency wire cutter scissors that I take all around with me. They make me feel okay about being a prisoner.
2. I can't brush the inside of my teeth. My friend Kristen once taught me that when your teeth feel really dirty and sugary that you can say, "I feel like my teeth are wearing sweaters." I told this to Melissa a few days ago. By now, they are wearing coats, hats and scarves. Soon, they will be wearing mittens and wool socks too. Gross.
3. I can't talk. I can, but it's challenging. I have a limited amount of words a day before I get tired out. My friend at work keeps telling me that I sound 'tense' talking through my teeth.
4. I can't eat. I drink things through a straw. Milkshakes, smoothies, Ensure and soup. I am already tiring of these things. It's also very patronizing when my straws say, 'sanitary and fun' on the box. There is nothing fun about drinking through a straw to me. I have to shove it into my cheek and hope that I can find some void space to pull the liquid into before sucking it through my teeth. Seeds, chunks and thick spots clog up my straw, and then I have to suck harder which starts to make my cheeks sore because of reason #5.
5. The device that is holding my teeth together is sharp, tight and pointed. It is held on with wire in a manner similar to dental floss. My gums are on perpetual fire. Then, the whole thing is studded with sharp, upturned spikes that the other wires are tied on to, which hold my jaw closed. Hello, this has to go into peoples' mouths! Surely someone could think of another way, less like a row of daggers. Honestly. I have wax covering the most sore spots, but I can't spend all day putting wax on and off of this thing.
I try not to get frustrated about it. All I did was not get my bike tire a couple of inches over a little tiny track. That little mishap has now ruined my face. To fix my face, my parents and I have to pay ungodly sums of money to someone who is torchering me. Not to mention my efforts to procure health insurance over these transitional months has been wholly unrewarding. Between deductables, pre-existing conditions and no dental coverage as I switch over from one plan to another, this whole process may end up costing me 10 grand. The last thing I spent 10 grand on was a trip around the world. One bike tire, a couple of inches. Unbelievable.
I hope that my jaw is really healing under there. Its progress is the only thing that can keep me from getting out the wire cutters and relieving myself of this burden. To cope, I look at my bouquets and cards and sometimes light a candle for myself. I pray for new bone cells to make haste towards my jaw and settle in for their long future as a part of my face. Patience is key and I try to maintain just enough to make it through these 42 days, one at a time.
A call from the doctor yesterday afternoon:
"I looked at your CT scan films. You do have two fractures in your jaw, and they are a lot worse than I first thought. You really must have hit hard. I mean you really have some damage. The lower fracture runs lengthwise a couple of inches. The upper fracture in your joint goes all the way through. I'll show you when you get in. I think wiring is the best option and most cost effective, but I am going to have to keep you wired shut for 6 weeks. Do you remember that I said 2 or 3 weeks before? It's going to take at least 6 because these are major bone fractures..."
I did remember him saying that 2 or 3 weeks wired would be a worst case scenario. Alas. I'm going in for the tie down at 1pm today. I'm trying to make mental peace about it. Saying goodbye to my tongue. Imagining sucking milk shakes through the sides of my teeth. It's going to be intense. And the worst part is that I can't go surfing until they take the wires off. And I'm probably going to lose 30 lbs, so my clothes won't fit.
I'm sort of over it already. I start to shake with nervousness when I think about being wired shut. It's so claustrophobic. Other than that, everything has pretty much turned out to be the worst case scenario and I have grown tired of reacting. My soul knows that somehow, someday I am going to be in one piece again. I am thankful to have the opportunity to be repaired instead of going without like most people in this world have to. My mind is on autopilot now. It will take a lot to surprise me at this point.
Numbness and humor are my coping mechanisms. I've never been funnier! Not sure if it's the drugs or just me, but my friends have never laughed more. I have found that when sad things happen to me I just make light of them until I have distanced myself enough to really deal with them. So maybe in 6 months, after the wires and root canals and crowns I will have to face the facts and deal with all of this. Until then, it's just my deadpan face and a constant stream of sarcastic humor. Whatever works, right?
Wish me luck! T minus 4.5 hours.
I find solace in my garden quite a bit as well. The garden doesn't expect much of me. I can pull weeds, transplant starts and water for hours without thinking about my face. I have put a lot into this garden. When we moved in, there was a thick layer of gravel and compacted soil. There was nothing. We raked, dug and screened. We added soil, made a paths and planted seeds. Look at it now! It is my most dramatic and successful garden yet. All those pavers were buried in the ground under inches of bad soil. We just kept running into layer upon layer of stone with the pick. It was a pain to dig up, but really it was God providing for our path. It's quite nice, wouldn't you say? And free.
I have just shy of 3 weeks left until I get my jaw returned. Then come the teeth. To help me be patient and feel the progress, I have made a paper chain and stapled it to the wall. Everyday, I tear a link off. This method has worked well for me in the past while anticipating vacations or quitting my job. I have always been more focused on the small victories in life rather than the large. I guess it's time to go tear off a link before bed!
