This last weekend, Mike and I went clubbing. This was not our plan, but just how the evening ended up. When you're having fun celebrating a birthday, you just have to go with it, wherever it takes you.
Being in a dance club as a 30 something was a very different experience than my summers gone by as a 20 something boxing out my floor space and dancing like no one was watching. We'll that part of it was pretty much the same, along with the smoky stuff they blow out and shine the lights on, but everything else was different. I'm fairly certain the rest of this post will sound like an older heavy-set lady wearing purple wrote it.
Young women these days dress differently for a night out. There used to be a couple of strange gals who would wear teeny tiny skirts and saunter around like ladies of the night, back in my time. Everyone else wasn't exactly dressed for church, but there was a lot more fabric. This time, almost all of the girls were nearly, or literally showing off their hoo-ha. Some folks in our group were inadvertently scandalized by a 'couple' dancing in the middle of the room, and the slipping up of a tight dress worn without undergarments. A whole new level. As expected, the young men were still fully clothed.
The music was also less creative. Some songs I knew, but many were new rap songs that I don't even know the radio stations for. I appreciate my fair share of songs with potty mouth and inappropriate lyrics, but there was always a certain poetry and humor to making those bold statements. In the new songs, the bold statements are now just statements and it wasn't very entertaining. They've taken the culture out of being naughty.
Mostly though, I think I was different. My sense of self is a completely different lady than she used to be. I no longer cared if I looked cool, or if I was the best dancer or knew the songs the best. I was there with a man who loves me on so many levels, wearing an outfit I loved, and danced how it felt good to dance. I NOW understand why middle aged people sometimes did things that were uncool. It wasn't because they didn't realize it, it's because they were free. Free from self judgment and irrational measures of worth. Those people were happy.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Scattered
I've had some success in life. I wanted to learn camping and hiking. I did it. I wanted to sail. I did it. I want to live on a sailboat - not quite done yet... I wanted to travel around the world. Done. I wanted to be a nice person. I'm getting there. My success has, however, put me in a bit of a pickle. This is quite the 1st world problem...but I'm scattered and frazzled. There are just too many things I want to do in life, and I'm learning that choosing one thing, means you have to un-choose something else.
I haven't been sailing once this spring. Our boat is freshly painted, the fuel system cleaned and ready. And there it sits. I can't go sailing, because I've got a hiking trip planned. I can't do the hiking trip because my garden needs weeding. I won't get to that because I need to make jam. I won't get the jam done because there is a family party this weekend. I'll miss that because there is a karate promotion. I won't be ready for the promotion because I've been busy chopping firewood. I won't get enough chopped for winter because I need to take an entire weekend to get surfing for the first time in 3 years. That probably won't happen because I have to work late and the van needs a new carburetor so we can take it up camping. But who can camp when the farmer's market is on and one needs to eat fresh, local food from scratch so that we don't drop dead of disease?
It seems so ridiculous to whine when there are people working 2 jobs or 10 fields, just to feed their families. But in an effort not to judge myself for my feelings, I will admit that these are my problems right now. I feel guilty about the things I'm not doing, and I can't enjoy the things I am doing. I want to be an athlete, a traveler, a nice wife...but there isn't enough time or money to do everything. It doesn't help when people say, "Ah, but you always have done ____!" "You're not going to _____ anymore? That's like WHO YOU ARE!" Well, actually, who I am right now, is a scattered, depressed, crazy person who is trying to regain some sense of mental space in her mind and life. When do I get to be bored? When does that picnic basket get spontaneously packed up and taken to the lake on a Saturday? Oh wait, I almost can't even finish this blog post because I've got invoices to send out.
I'm ready to, as Mike puts it, blow some shit up. When the sum of things you love becomes two tons of pressure and guilt, it's time to get rid of some of the things you love. Box it up, give it away, throw it in the trash, torch it. Hanging on to everything just makes you a bag lady. SO, who has some ideas? What goes? Family gatherings? Sailboat? Husband? Trying to buy the house I live in? Vintage camper van? Surfboard? The more difficult question that follows, is what do I really want to add over the next 60 years? A child? A dog? Moving to a monastery? And If I add any of those things, how do I learn to gracefully let go of something else?
Desire creates suffering.
I haven't been sailing once this spring. Our boat is freshly painted, the fuel system cleaned and ready. And there it sits. I can't go sailing, because I've got a hiking trip planned. I can't do the hiking trip because my garden needs weeding. I won't get to that because I need to make jam. I won't get the jam done because there is a family party this weekend. I'll miss that because there is a karate promotion. I won't be ready for the promotion because I've been busy chopping firewood. I won't get enough chopped for winter because I need to take an entire weekend to get surfing for the first time in 3 years. That probably won't happen because I have to work late and the van needs a new carburetor so we can take it up camping. But who can camp when the farmer's market is on and one needs to eat fresh, local food from scratch so that we don't drop dead of disease?
It seems so ridiculous to whine when there are people working 2 jobs or 10 fields, just to feed their families. But in an effort not to judge myself for my feelings, I will admit that these are my problems right now. I feel guilty about the things I'm not doing, and I can't enjoy the things I am doing. I want to be an athlete, a traveler, a nice wife...but there isn't enough time or money to do everything. It doesn't help when people say, "Ah, but you always have done ____!" "You're not going to _____ anymore? That's like WHO YOU ARE!" Well, actually, who I am right now, is a scattered, depressed, crazy person who is trying to regain some sense of mental space in her mind and life. When do I get to be bored? When does that picnic basket get spontaneously packed up and taken to the lake on a Saturday? Oh wait, I almost can't even finish this blog post because I've got invoices to send out.
I'm ready to, as Mike puts it, blow some shit up. When the sum of things you love becomes two tons of pressure and guilt, it's time to get rid of some of the things you love. Box it up, give it away, throw it in the trash, torch it. Hanging on to everything just makes you a bag lady. SO, who has some ideas? What goes? Family gatherings? Sailboat? Husband? Trying to buy the house I live in? Vintage camper van? Surfboard? The more difficult question that follows, is what do I really want to add over the next 60 years? A child? A dog? Moving to a monastery? And If I add any of those things, how do I learn to gracefully let go of something else?
Desire creates suffering.
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