children

Lately I've been getting a lot of, "well, when you have kids" comments from nice people that don't know me very well. I don't mind this at all, but it does remind me, every time, that I have no idea whether I want to raise children or not. It's coming up on time for me to do that, if I want to. I know I like my time, my sleep, my freedom, my travel, my organization, my schedule, my ....well, my anything. I am kinda selfish. I still feel like a kid, the youngest child, and I guard my territory fiercely. What I don't know is if I would like diapers, kids books, kid games, kid movies, kid activities, teenagers, pregnant teenagers, teenagers on drugs, and the general emptying of one's self that seems to be required. Maybe I would like it, but how do you know until it's too late to back out? I do like kids...but I also like male lions...and that doesn't mean I should get one and raise it in my house.

I love this song and the girl sings:

And once you asked me well what's my biggest fear
That things would always remain so unclear
That one day I'd wake up all alone
With a big family and emptiness deep in my bones

I get a pit in my stomach when this song comes on. Perhaps this is one of my biggest fears too, now that I'm in my 30's. Most people I know claim that they are glad they had their kids. How do you know if this is true, or more importantly, would be true for me? This is not a rhetorical question, feel free to tell me. And maybe I should ask a therapist about it.

food

This past summer Mike and I decided to eat a mostly vegan diet. Why not, we thought? Low cholesterol, cheaper, fewer acres of God's green earth taken up by growing animal feed, fewer creatures dying for my sake, and general solidarity with the world's poor. All good reasons. I like to think, "well, today I'm going to eat these plants instead of that cow milk," instead of saying, no more, ever. It hasn't been that big of a deal, and we have been feeling more healthy.

The most positive side effect has been the creative renaissance I've had in the kitchen. When you decide not to just throw some meat on the grill, you have to think a little harder about what's for dinner. I've discovered new ingredients, new ways of preparing things, and a lot of nutritional information.

Here's my top ten new and exciting ingredients in 2012:

1) Beets. I had never even wanted to make beets. They sound gross, right?  Not worth the trouble. BUT! Mike brought some home, and we steamed them and made them up with some other delicious things, and discovered that they are sweet and crisp and full of vitamins.

2) Whole wheat pastry flour. I don't even keep un-bleached regular flour around anymore. The whole wheat pastry flour is light and fluffy, and has better flavor. And of course, whole wheat is way good for you. I get this out of the bulk bins.

3) Rutabagas. These root vegetables are really cheap. Lots of fiber, lots of flavor and adds interest whenever a potato is called for.

4) Tofurky sandwich slices. Hickory smoked sandwich slices are a nice change from turkey. They hold about 5x as much flavor as turkey, so they make a super punchy sandwich. Even a frequent meat eater would enjoy these on occasion. And they are cheaper than deli turkey and last longer in the fridge.

5) Lentils. Why bother? Well, when you want a plant that fills you up and isn't wheat or corn, this is the place to go. Cold lentil salads, hot lentil curries, and lentil loafs. Sounds gross right? Well, it's not. Lentils are cheap. They can taste good when they are a part of something beautiful. And lentils have iron, which is important for the blood.

6) Quinoa. Okay, this is something I've enjoyed for years, thanks to my roommate Claire, but I enjoy it even more now, in even more things. Keen-wah is a grain with complete amino acids, which means it is a great protein, with really low fat and no cholesterol.Try it instead of rice for a change.

7) 8 grain hot cereal: I've had doctors tell me for years that eating cold breakfast cereal was a big waste of time. Too much sugar, too processed. Well, it took me a decade to finally be ready to try something else. I started with oatmeal and that kept me full a lot longer than cold cereals. Then I took it up a notch...a hot cereal with 8 different whole grains.

8) Sun dried tomatoes. People have been using these for years in lots of ways, but I was sort of underwhelmed with my experiences. Then I tried this big ol' jar from costco, and apparently quality matters. Now I love these things, and I put them in pastas, on pizzas, on salads... Little flavor bombs.

9) Coconut Oil. This comes in a jar in a solid form, and you scoop some out and put in in your skillet, and it turns into a delicious, fragrant cooking oil that adds a lot of taste to the asian things I cook. And lots of people think it's a magical cure-all substance to be rubbed on your hair and skin and eaten by the spoon-full.

10) Kale. I don't actually love this yet. I want to. I have tons of it in the garden, waiting to be eaten... I've made kale chips, which are nice, especially with some nutritional yeast powder sprinkled on that makes them taste like cheesy puff chips...but not nice enough for all the work and clean up for a snack that is eaten in like 20 seconds. Any ideas?

TMI

I had been wondering over the last year or two why I don't write very much on this here blog. I didn't really know...I just didn't have many interesting thoughts coming out of my head, despite a lot of interesting things happening to me. I believe that I was/am depressed. I remember my last few visits with my doctor, and how when she asked me how I'd been feeling, I cried a little. She is such an earnest person, it meant a lot to me that she really cared enough to ask. The counselor that I saw a bit in 2010 said she thought it seemed like I might be dealing with a little anxiety and/or depression. I spent a fair amount of last fall sitting in my grandpa's chair feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have a job and didn't have the chutzpah to really get my own clients. I cried a lot, missing my friends and family in this new place.

I often pondered the timing of when I starting feeling BLAH. What changed? What happened? Why me? I read my journals and back on my blog, thought about what I ate, where I lived, what jobs I'd had. Big life changes. Deaths. Births. Nothing really made sense. Maybe my distaste for the responsibilities of adulthood really were just a reality I couldn't deal with and I was destined to yearn for the wistful days of my youth for the rest of my life. Well, that would be too bad.

A couple of months ago, I got way back in my record keeping and noticed that I starting taking hormonal birth control about 9 months before I first started noticing the sadness and lack of blogging. Could that be it? Could it be that simple? I started taking the stuff to control some irritating PMS symptoms. But I'd take irritating symptoms over being so SAD any day. I decided that it may be worth a try to dump the birth (mind) control and see if it helped.

Well, I've been off it for a few months, and I really feel...better. Sometimes on the weekend, I catch myself just feeling good. I sort of want to do the things I've always enjoyed (read, sew, cook, bake, garden, sail, hike, exercise) instead of not wanting to do anything but blame and gripe. It's terrible when you don't want to sit around and feel sad for yourself, but you also can't imagine doing anything else. What else is there, when you're depressed? 

It's still too soon to tell, but I just get this sense that my soul is seeping back into my body from wherever it went. I think I may have a fair shot now. There are deep trenches of negative thought, worn into the pathways of my brain. My thoughts drift towards pessimism and worry, left to themselves. It's going to take some time to get my head flowing in the right channels again, but hopefully being off Merck's lobotomy inducing zombie treatments, things will heal and I'll be funny and interesting again. I'll expect good things out of life, like I used to, and good things will happen, like they used to.

boat story

The other day we noticed this:

So we replaced this line:

 So I could do this:

While I was up there I fixed this, which has never worked:

And I tried to enjoy the view, when I wasn't too scared.

So now we have to figure out who can fix that metal bracket!

starting over, yet again

I haven't been going to church for a while. Since I moved up here, I just haven't wanted to. Getting up and going at a time when I don't actually have to get up or go, just didn't sound good. I knew Sunday mornings were perhaps less inspiring just staying home and reading the paper and feeling turmoil about how to make the day great, but going to a new church with new people and new everything felt overwhelming.

This past weekend we came home from a little trip with my family on Saturday. Sunday really felt like a bonus day, so I thought I would try to get a running start on the church thing while I wasn't so tired. After some research on the churches we had been recommended, I settled on First Presbyterian. I try not to be too political about church - you won't agree with everyone on everything. But I just couldn't see myself going to a church and giving money, that I earned with my female hands and mind, to a place that doesn't see woman as fit to lead. That rules out the Church of God and a couple other non-denominational outliers. PCA. Anything Pentecostal. Etc. Etc. I also looked up a couple places based on marriage equality, and the ol' Presby's were right on the money again.

I went by myself because Mike didn't get ready in time, and found a spot on a lovely pew in this lovely grandparent-y looking place. People of all ages, styles, and walks of life. Most people were white, but that's just Bellingham. I have to say, I liked it! I was cool with the music, enjoyed the prayers and the sermon. It was very familiar, but also new and super interesting. A woman named Elizabeth introduced herself. The people there seemed happy and nice, and eager to learn, which is obviously the most important thing.

Just my luck, the pastor was talking about conflict, more specifically in the church over political issues! And most specifically, women in the church. It was a good, intellectual, message that I could really get behind. I think I'm going to go back. It's good for my brain and my soul.

Here was a piece that the Pastor shared, that everyone had a good chuckle over. Top 10 Reasons Why Men Shouldn’t Be Ordained:

10. A man’s place is in the army.
9. For men who have children, their duties might distract them from the responsibilities of being a parent.
8. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be “unnatural” for them to do other forms of work.
7. Man was created before woman. It is therefore obvious that man was a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.
6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. This is easily demonstrated by their conduct at football games and watching basketball tournaments.
5. Some men are handsome; they will distract women worshipers.
4. To be ordained pastor is to nurture the congregation. But this is not a traditional male role. Rather, throughout history, women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more frequently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.
3. Men are overly prone to violence. No really manly man wants to settle disputes by any means other than by fighting about it. Thus, they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.
2. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep paths, repair the church roof, change the oil in the church vans, and maybe even lead the singing on Father’s Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church.
1. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus, his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinated position that all men should take.

sake it to me baby, yeah!

Karate, karate, karate. Kata, kata, kata. Practice, practice, practice. Yesterday I had my first 'promotion' at my karate school. I didn't really have a choice about whether I wanted to do it or not... They say it's time, and then you do it. We've been practicing for the big day for the last 6 weeks. Extra sit-ups, extra push-ups, extra squats, and extra practice on Kata, which are sort of like short dance routines, but for karate moves. Step, block, strike, turn, block, kick, etc. It's been very tiring and I'm getting really strong.

Yesterday, I had to wear my recently acquired Gi (pronounced G-ee), which fits and feels a lot like my dad's pajamas. Or someone's dad's pajamas. Baggy, wide, floppy and distinctly not for a woman's shape. This was also prescribed for me, to be able to comply with the official rules and stand for the promotion. There were judges and a video camera and family members watching. We had to step through the paces of several drills that we had been working on, including two kata. It was kinda scary, but also not at all considering what was at stake (my honor, my place in the samurai squad...?) I made several silly mistakes, but apparently not too many because I passed. I'll get a green stripe or two on my white belt.

Afterward there was pizza and beer and shots of sake, which I had never had. They toasted to our success, to our hard work, and to having some new people (3 new people including myself) join the Dojo. Apparently in it's heyday, there were over 50 people a night at class, now there are 10 if we are lucky. Everyone was chatting and talking and telling me that I had done well. They said, "We have this party in the summer." "We have this event in the fall." "Let us know it's your birthday and we'll quit early and have some cake." For the first time, I was treated like I was a part of their group. It was as though I hadn't just passed the kata test, but I passed their commitment test and they were now open to being my friend. I'll have to say it felt really good. I have a few new friends up here (and by a few I mean 3), but it's been hard. After throwing back a shot of sake with my black belt instructors, I thought maybe someday I'll have a life full of friends here too.

renewal

Well, it appears that spring is near. I saw people playing catch on the lawn outside their building, so it must be true. I don't care what was falling from the sky yesterday. People seem to be in dire need of it too. Let me take this opportunity to remind you that in August when you start talking about fall this and fall that and sweaters and crisp air...don't rush it. This is what fall leads to, and it's not pretty. Summer must be extended in our minds for as long as possible. Thanks.

We've got a broody bird. No, not me. Our chicken Buffy. She stopped coming out of the coop and we found her looking ragged and lethargic, sitting forever on the nesting spot. Chickens will actually starve themselves, refusing to leave the nest, and we don't want that for our little lady. We've been putting on gloves and forcibly removing her from the nest, and making her eat. I read today about dunking their lower halves in cool water to lower their body temperature, which I subjected her to today.  Some folks online said that it shocked their chicken back to normal. Who knew a cold shower worked on fowl too...?

I'm running a half marathon. I was artfully coerced by my sister and Melissa. I have never had any interest in the sport and only ran when there was no other way to get my heart rate up. But I agreed to this adventure and here we are. I've run 5 miles the last 2 Sundays. This weekend - 6. Mike has been going with me, and he's a good runner, so that's been very helpful. The mileage on the training chart goes up almost every week until the May 6 race. I don't know how this is going to work out. But it probably will. I didn't think 5 miles was a possibility in my life and I did that. I even had to buy new running shoes, which are a very odd color but fit the best. So now I do Karate two days a week, and run two days a week, with a third day that needs to fit in there somewhere. I did 18 push-ups yesterday before I had to break, so progress is upon us. 

My passport was set to expire this year. I sent it off to be renewed early, in case I needed to travel somewhere that requires a 6 month valid window to go there. The last box on the form said "travel plans." I left it blank. This is an interesting situation. No plans to travel? Me? Mike and I haven't even taken a honeymoon yet. Everyone on Facebook is going to Hawaii... Well, this is just life sometimes. For most of the planet, this is always their reality. But fortunately I have been blessed with the ability to travel a bit, and I plan to take up the opportunity again soon. For now, getting married, moving, not finding work, starting a business, finding work, starting another business and getting back in shape have felt a bit like a stroll through an Indian market anyway.

Change comes as sure as the seasons and twice as quick. Well, the change I sense coming is good.

karate chop

Twice a week, I've been heading down to the 'karate church' (my dojo is in a retired church building, although there are still regal Aslan-type pictures of lions here and there). It's such a strange thing, although it's becoming less so. It still smells like a locker room, but it doesn't bother me as much. The 40 minutes of stretching and strengthening at the beginning of class are having a positive effect on my health. Soon, I'll be back up to 50 push-ups. Okay, soon plus a little longer.

So far, there is just the one girl that comes sporadically and refuses to look me in the eye or talk to me. The rest of the people who come are men. There are two or three basic types of guys that come to karate class. The first is the awkward Aspergers type. These fellas are socially a little behind, but they want to toughen up so they keep coming to class. They only look at the floor and it gets weird when we have to do the pairing up for sit-ups and arm stretching. Some are a little round, some a little scrawny. I feel like one of them half the time.

Then there are the Mixed Martial Arts dudes. These guys have spent a lot of time watching fights on TV. They actually think they already know how to fight, and like to spar with the heavy bags before class and wear tank tops. The black belts have to stop them and correct their form a lot because they are trying too hard and doing things way above their level.

Then there are the well adjusted instructors. A few guys that know what they are doing, and are helpful to the new comers. They don't talk just to hear themselves talk or spend a lot of time telling stories about fights they almost got in. I have gravitated to their company, because I don't have any other options, really.

I'm getting better at the actual karate. I've been allowed to join the regular class upstairs now instead of going downstairs with the kids. I've also started doing the sparing when we do that. It's fun to poke and swat at a black belt, who could kill me in 2.5 seconds, and have him just deflect and bait me into taking a swing. I have to be careful not to get cocky. I'm kind of hooked. There is so much to learn, plus putting the structured moves into practice combined with my own instincts and abilities. It seems a lot like sailing - something you can always improve at. And hopefully in the meantime, I will be able to defend myself if I need to, or make a career switch to the Octagon when landscape architecture slows down again.

2011 by the numbers

Number of blog posts: 13, my all time low. This is because I've been a little on the sad side. Adulthood has caught up with me and I'm looking for a way to live that's fun again.

Weight: 167, my all time high. How does this happen? Again, adulthood.

Fun sailing trips: 3. After Mike stopped living on the boat, we were able to sail it again. My sister joined the crew for the 3 day trip to Bellingham, which was amazing. We went out on a different boat for our wedding, and we took my family out one day on Eider in Bellingham bay.

Husbands: 1. Stuck the landing on that choice. Mike is really nice to be married to.

Weddings: 1. Despite my Grinch-y attitude about the wedding industry as I planned, I had a great time at my wedding and it was a wonderful celebration.

Jobs: 1/2. I only worked half the year. The other half, I've been self-employed with no income, searching for work frantically, and temporarily employed with a small firm in Bellingham. I go to work there again tomorrow, so here's hoping that I can work there for a while, since adulthood costs money.

Surfing: 0. Ah nuts. Why is the ocean so far from here, when it feels so close?

Martial arts studied: 1. I've started Karate class. It's like being in the boys P.E. class, but the other guys are mostly over 60 years old. It smells like a locker room, but I like punching and blocking and doing sit-ups.

Brothers who will survive cancer: 2. We Lenssens are tough. Stephen is doing fine after skin cancer, diligently keeping watch for anything new. Mark was just diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He'll be treated for 4 months with chemo and then he will be just fine, also keeping watch over the next few years. I alternate from feeling strong about this to feeling ill with sadness knowing the treatment is going to cause him suffering and the thought that Mark, or anyone in my family could die. Death, or the thought of it, makes me angry and sad. Mark and I have too much history and too much future to imagine not having him here.

Amount that I think about my grandparents since moving into their house: Everyday. I used to feel more sad about this, but now I am grateful that I think of them so much. I feel that they are still with me each day. When I go to look for something for the house, It's like a little conversation with Grandma or Grandpa about how they organized and did things. It feels good to have them a part of my everyday life instead of drifting off as a good memory, but with less detail each year.

Pets: 2. I love my chickens! What good girls.

I am happy that it's a new year. I'm tired of feeling depressed and jobless and too tired to live my life. I already feel the tide changing, but a new calendar helps to keep the momentum going. I don't want to live my life just getting by and being responsible. I want to travel again. I want to dance more. I want to get scared on the boat in a windstorm, but then survive. I want to see some new peaks. I want to make a couple new friends a couple new recipes. What's the point of living unless you feel exhilarated sometimes? I want to be a peaceful human being instead of a busy human doing - but if the things I do make me feel more human or more like superwoman, that's even better.