something is about to happen

I feel that something is about to happen...

And it's not just because my car is about to make 200,000 miles. Although that is significant and I may treat myself to an ice cream tomorrow when it happens, since the car can't eat ice cream and wouldn't appreciate it if it could. I mean, the car has no feelings. I'm the one who is excited that I bought it and it's still running and has been a great value. If only I was on my way to the coast to go surfing and not coming home from work on I-5 for the big moment.

Other things are about to happen because I've been going to counseling. I decided that if I'm having trouble enjoying my life because of my thoughts and feelings, it's probably a good investment to go figure those things out even if my insurance won't cover it and there's no way to get a better deal on it. What's the point of having my emergency savings for the future when right now is going bad on me? I'd like to be enjoying tomorrow when I have an emergency, not institutionalized because I worried myself crazy.

I've just been a handful of times, but it's been very educational. Before I go, I review my thoughts and feelings and what I learned the last week. After, I write down all the new things I learned and what to be thinking about. It's like college. I paid for those classes, and took notes and learned things. I have been shocked to find out that I knew NOTHING about how my brain worked and what feelings are. How I got this far without knowing is a mystery to me. I wish we would have dropped one unit in grade school on dinosaurs and focused instead on how to deal with our brains.

I had a break through the other night. I was WORRYING for hours about doing the fitting for a night teeth guard to help me relax my jaw when I sleep. I was worried about my front teeth popping off when I went to slide the hot sticky goo setting off my teeth. I was also feeling angry with myself that I still have so much anxiety over my teeth. I didn't have the courage to do it, and went to bed. I laid there, berating myself for being so afraid, unable to go to sleep. I snapped back to my senses by suddenly telling myself firmly, "You have STRONG feelings about your teeth. There is nothing wrong with you having STRONG feelings about your teeth. You can't control the feelings that you have." Suddenly, I stopped judging how I felt, made peace with my decision not to do the mouth guard that day, and fell peacefully asleep.

I've learned so many things that would probably sounds simplistic and obvious if I listed them out. I'm sure I've heard most of the things before that I feel like I'm really learning for the first time. But sometimes matters of the heart can dance right in front of you and you can't grasp them because of what you feel or the logical fallacies that your brain is used to accepting. Tricky, tricky minds we have. I hope to learn how to use my thoughts and feelings to help me live my life right instead of missing out on happiness because of fear, self-judgment and depression.

thoughts in early spring

Driving: To get to my new office in Wallingford by bus, I would have to go downtown and make a transfer to another bus, which would take me 50 minutes to an hour. The bus now costs $4.50 a day, which seems a bit steep when I'm already paying for my car insurance every month. And parking is free at work. So, you may have already guessed that I now drive Judy. It's been quite a transition. I have the freedom to stop at the store on the way home or make plans to meet up with people - anywhere. I can leave the house in the morning when I am good and ready, not running out the door without having brushed my teeth yet, and that is very freeing. I also have to focus on driving though, which is a hassle. To help me through it, I have found a new addiction. It's not a bluetooth or books on tape. It's NPR! I know everyone else is already listening, but this has been my first real chance to get into it. I learn about politics, science, history, art and even hot dogs. They have radio pieces on everything and it's so interesting! I feel much better educated and it takes my mind outside of its usual loop and puts it out into the world. This gives me perspective and peace, if only for 20 minutes as I go along.

Religious Fanatics: The other night I was leaving a restaurant in Bellevue after visiting with some good friends. It was dark and rainy, so I was hurrying back into the mall to get through to the parking garage. A young guy hollered after me about if he could ask me the million dollar question. Despite my intuitive powers and for a reason that God (or whoever it is that I follow) only knows, I stopped and let him ask me, "What happens when you die?" Oh geez. I said, I'll be with God, which is where I belong. He asked me if I was a Christian, blah, blah, blah. I thought I was going to get off easy, but then he started to quote (or mis-quote if you ask me) all kinds of scripture about few people going to heaven and all the rest of us being sons and daughters of Satan because of our terrible sin. Something he said struck a chord with me and we spent the next 45 minutes going at it about whether or not all people are children of God. He tried several times to tell me that I needed to read my bible more and that I was clearly not a Christian because I didn't agree with what was "crystal clear" about most people going to burn in hell for eternity. I told him he was rude and presumptuous and that I didn't agree with what he was doing. I said that I thought he was going to regret doing this ten years from now when he had a better understanding of the Holy Spirit. I even poked him in the shoulder once. I said we could finish the conversation later, out of the rain, in heaven. He told me I wasn't going to heaven, and I stormed off muttering things about him not knowing anything and giving Christians a bad name. I tore up his little flier and scolded myself for getting so upset once I was back in the car. But no one tells me that I'm not going to heaven very often, so you can't blame me for wanting to throttle the brainwashed, religious beast. Although that would have given me a bad name and a trip to the jail.


Dentist: I've been feeling really anxious lately about my fake teeth. The thin crack in my right, front crown got worse over the year and the sensitivity around that tooth has made me sure that it is about ready to crumble and fall right out of my mouth. I lose sleep over it regularly. I am quite certain that I am projecting all my anxieties onto my tooth and that I need a trip to the counselor more than a trip to the dentist, but one thing at a time. I went to get my teeth cleaned and polished up this week, but also to tell the dentist that I am worried and that he needs to convince me that everything is fine in there. They took an extra x-ray of my front tooth and it looked healthy and happy under that crown. He poked and prodded the crown for a while too and told me what he told me the last time: that it looked fine. He can't say 100% that the crown won't fail, but he thinks I should relax about it. I said I would try to, but find myself already lingering on the 10%, 20% or whatever percent that he couldn't assure me. You would think a broken crown and some pain was going to kill me or something the way I worry about it. It's not going to kill me though and I am doing my best to be reasonable and get on with my life.

it's official now, about summer

Sometimes the only way to get all the office off of my skin is to get really dirty. Until yesterday, I had not been up to the mountains since mid-February. No wonder I have been feeling so restless and ornery. Saturday, Melissa and I rolled out of our beds, had a leisurely morning, then loaded up Judy and drove to Cle Elum. We met Kristen and DJ at a rustic campground next to the Teanaway River, middle fork. I was jumping inside because I was so excited to make a fire, walk in the woods and sleep in my tent (which hasn't happened for a year and a half). The ephemerals were blooming, the trees leafing out, and across the river from our campsite was a wonderful stand of yellow and white Aspen trees against a backdrop of dark green conifers.

Our conversations were fun, the river sounded great and I was so excited to feel the chilly air on my face and the warmth of my sleeping bag, I almost forgot to sleep. I woke up to the sun, unzipped the back door and admired the water, trees and sky from my pillow and my cozy down bed. We ate, then decided to go for a drive. We headed farther upstream and found a bunch of beautiful campgrounds and snowy vistas. We also found the one patch of deeply rutted snow left on the roadway and got completely high centered and stuck on it.

We were driving in Kristen and DJ's twin Subaru Loyale (which they purchased after my loyale experiment went SO well). DJ instructed us to start digging out the snow from under the car with sticks, which we all performed half-heartedly knowing that it may take days to accomplish the task. I was cracking up the entire time because the road was totally dry everywhere else except this Subaru-sized patch that we landed in. We tried putting sticks under the tires, pushing forward and pushing back. Reverse, 4WD, 1st gear...nothing worked.

Our spirits had not even begun to fall when our rescue arrived. A LARGE red truck with a plate that read BGBEAR2 came around the corner and stopped in front of us. I spotted the winch on the front of the beastly rig and realized that not only was he going to make our day, but we were going to make his. After a few minutes of set-up, BGBEAR2 pulled and the little Loyale bounced out of the icy snow. It was only then that I realized how stuck the car really was. Mr. Truck was grinning ear to ear having had the opportunity to use his special truck toy and we zipped along on our way, laughing. Who gets stuck in the snow in May anyway?

winter

This past weekend I traveled to Yakima in my own car. Over the pass and through the plains with 4 doors, 3 wipers, 2 side mirrors, and 1 functioning heater. Luxury. I visited Kristen, DJ and Melissa and we all went cross-country skiing. The mountains looked and felt great under the weight of snow and cold. Skiing was fun in spite of my ungraceful movements and lack of experience. Check out the road that my car navigated like it was dry asphalt!

My car needs a name. I can't find anything that fits, so feel free to offer suggestions under the comments. It's blue. A Loyale. Tough yet comfy. 4WD. Refined yet ugly and old...

Catering continues to surprise me. I had a house party last night in Medina. I forgot how rich people can be. So wealthy. The home looked like a catalog and a pristine BMW sat in the garage. The guests were fancy and snooty. Even the 10 year old girl who was helping the hostess bragged about her dress purchased in NYC and smiled at me in a way that I swear was condescending. All the women greeted each other by complimenting how one another looked. It was a real eye roller. It is tempting to covet seeing how pleasant the house looked, how yummy the expensive food was and how couture the shoes looked. Being rich would be easier. But if it meant being shallow and devoid of character, then I'll leave it. I think I prefer people with a little scruff and edge lining their depth. And that isn't even considering the 1/3 of the world living on less than $2 a day.

Today's trip photo is from San Pedro de Atacama in Chile. This is the main plaza in this artsy desert town on the border with Bolivia. We sat and ate ice cream and watched the kids play soccer.

snow falling on subarus

This post-Thanksgiving weekend I traveled to Bellingham to attend a cousin's wedding and visit my Grandpa. It snowed a lot. Stephen and I went out into the woods to throw snowballs and clip cedar branches for a wreath and came back quite wet and cold.

Luckily the wedding reception was before the 1 foot dump of snow, so we made it. I think my well wishes for my cousin was maybe the third time I have spoken to him, ever. With 37 biological cousins, you can't be super close to all of them, regrettably.

Even though I hoped that we would get stuck in Bellingham, we didn't and I had to leave all of that lovely snow behind. Now it's snowing and raining, hailing and freezing in Seattle all at the same time. It's also totally dark at 5:12pm.

My spirits, however are very high. I have a new car! After a painfully long wait of 1.5 months, my little Subaru wagon is rebuilt and running strong. I picked her up today and we went to pass our emissions test and get some tabs. Then I took her right over to REI to hang out with the other wagons while I picked up a few gifts. I am pleased to have spent well less than half the money that I made from my Volkswagen, which means I can pay the bills a little longer in case this job hunt doesn't work out. I'm so excited to begin our new life together. 2006 Major Life Change #215, complete.