I wonder if those who know me well are tired of my eternal doubt about almost everything, or if they still find it charming and thoughtful. My consciousness is almost always in the future, wondering what I should do now for best results. This worry and doubt are my Achilles heel and is the alligator filled moat between me and peace.
I am capable of feeling the present moment, and I strive to live in the present. My dog does this so well, as does most every happy person I know. It's very hard for me though. I am a reluctant professional, a reluctant wife, a reluctant homeowner. These big things in life always keep me asking and wondering what else could have been, unaware that peace lies above, below, and in between all these things, at all times. "But what if" is so exhausting.
My current reluctance is centered around the home we purchased. I love it dearly and do not regret what we did...but then I do regret other opportunities lost. The roof is going to be replaced next week. It is taking all of our liquid money that we currently have. It's depressing. The bill is going to be the same amount that I used to travel around the world with Melissa 8 years ago, for 8 months. I don't think I need to point out the painful irony.
To offset the pain of my 1st World Problem, we have decided to also install a photovoltaic array on the roof. For this we took out a loan. The tax credits, bill savings and state incentives pay the payments for us. But we still carry the loan for the 7 or less years it takes to pay it off, including interest. This makes me feel extremely positive and excited about being a homeowner. This makes me feel like I am doing something to keep the sea level from rising over the children's head's 50 years from now. I can look at my production display everyday and feel connected to the earth, and my relationship to it. I will never take joy in remodeled bathrooms, but I will certainly find joy in this.
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