children

Lately I've been getting a lot of, "well, when you have kids" comments from nice people that don't know me very well. I don't mind this at all, but it does remind me, every time, that I have no idea whether I want to raise children or not. It's coming up on time for me to do that, if I want to. I know I like my time, my sleep, my freedom, my travel, my organization, my schedule, my ....well, my anything. I am kinda selfish. I still feel like a kid, the youngest child, and I guard my territory fiercely. What I don't know is if I would like diapers, kids books, kid games, kid movies, kid activities, teenagers, pregnant teenagers, teenagers on drugs, and the general emptying of one's self that seems to be required. Maybe I would like it, but how do you know until it's too late to back out? I do like kids...but I also like male lions...and that doesn't mean I should get one and raise it in my house.

I love this song and the girl sings:

And once you asked me well what's my biggest fear
That things would always remain so unclear
That one day I'd wake up all alone
With a big family and emptiness deep in my bones

I get a pit in my stomach when this song comes on. Perhaps this is one of my biggest fears too, now that I'm in my 30's. Most people I know claim that they are glad they had their kids. How do you know if this is true, or more importantly, would be true for me? This is not a rhetorical question, feel free to tell me. And maybe I should ask a therapist about it.