something is about to happen

I feel that something is about to happen...

And it's not just because my car is about to make 200,000 miles. Although that is significant and I may treat myself to an ice cream tomorrow when it happens, since the car can't eat ice cream and wouldn't appreciate it if it could. I mean, the car has no feelings. I'm the one who is excited that I bought it and it's still running and has been a great value. If only I was on my way to the coast to go surfing and not coming home from work on I-5 for the big moment.

Other things are about to happen because I've been going to counseling. I decided that if I'm having trouble enjoying my life because of my thoughts and feelings, it's probably a good investment to go figure those things out even if my insurance won't cover it and there's no way to get a better deal on it. What's the point of having my emergency savings for the future when right now is going bad on me? I'd like to be enjoying tomorrow when I have an emergency, not institutionalized because I worried myself crazy.

I've just been a handful of times, but it's been very educational. Before I go, I review my thoughts and feelings and what I learned the last week. After, I write down all the new things I learned and what to be thinking about. It's like college. I paid for those classes, and took notes and learned things. I have been shocked to find out that I knew NOTHING about how my brain worked and what feelings are. How I got this far without knowing is a mystery to me. I wish we would have dropped one unit in grade school on dinosaurs and focused instead on how to deal with our brains.

I had a break through the other night. I was WORRYING for hours about doing the fitting for a night teeth guard to help me relax my jaw when I sleep. I was worried about my front teeth popping off when I went to slide the hot sticky goo setting off my teeth. I was also feeling angry with myself that I still have so much anxiety over my teeth. I didn't have the courage to do it, and went to bed. I laid there, berating myself for being so afraid, unable to go to sleep. I snapped back to my senses by suddenly telling myself firmly, "You have STRONG feelings about your teeth. There is nothing wrong with you having STRONG feelings about your teeth. You can't control the feelings that you have." Suddenly, I stopped judging how I felt, made peace with my decision not to do the mouth guard that day, and fell peacefully asleep.

I've learned so many things that would probably sounds simplistic and obvious if I listed them out. I'm sure I've heard most of the things before that I feel like I'm really learning for the first time. But sometimes matters of the heart can dance right in front of you and you can't grasp them because of what you feel or the logical fallacies that your brain is used to accepting. Tricky, tricky minds we have. I hope to learn how to use my thoughts and feelings to help me live my life right instead of missing out on happiness because of fear, self-judgment and depression.